So Often

So often I just don't have things figured out. It usually translates into a lot time passing between posts. Usually when I'm stresessed I don't like to write. It's no fun to read the longings and the mind of someone who is down, and so I just try to avoid it. But for me, in those moments when things aren't quite right, I like to ponder about just what is going on. So often I can be blind to my own signs of stress, to those tell-tell symptoms of distress and frustration. Those signs are usually picked up by others quite quickly though. 

However, those signs can be so alarming and obvious that they can't go unnoticed by ourselves. For me, that signal that shows I need to evaluate my situation is what comes out of my mouth. I'm talking about language. Last week I snapped a five and a half year streak of not using a cuss word. Five and a half years! I can tell you the time and place where it last happened. I can even tell you the time and place where it happened before then. I don't make it a habit of using course language. And when that expletive does pass my lips, I know my life is off. 

The last week has been a tough one. My frustration level lately has been really high. When it gets as high as it's been, things start working in my head with every failed endeavor or with increasingly annoying human interaction, and it has burst. Five and a half years of life wasn't enough to get me to the point I'm at now. I knew it was going to happen soon. I knew that I was being driven to it. I isolated myself, surrounded myself with different people, and tried to reverse it. But on the 23rd mile of a 24 mile bike ride a Lexus got a little to close and it just burst forward. A few days later days later as I stared at the grill of an oncoming Chevy Van, it happened again. This time more out of mortal fear than anything else. It was really embarrassing. 

I know what's going on. it's a condition of my heart. It's so far from the right place right now that I fear in my hyper-frustrated  state that the slightest provocation with someone can only end badly. It's not good. There are several reasons for this frustration and I'm aware of all of them. With time they'll get worked out, I just don't know how long it will take. 

~B